MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS, YOUR BUSINESS IS YOUR MIND! (A MESSAGE TO MY SISTERS)
As I've said in other spaces, "GOOD MENTAL HEALTH IS NOT OPTIONAL, IT'S A NECESSITY! On this World Mental Health Day, you might expect to hear about different strategies for self-care, the importance of sleep/exercise, eating well, and keeping your stress low with activities such as mindfulness. However, I'd like to add some additional ways to invest in your mental health that are discussed less often.
1.Give yourself frequent reminders that you are a super HUMAN, rather than an entity possessing super-human strength. In doing so you can reconnect with your own humanity. Accepting that you have needs, desires, and wishes to be fulfilled can go a long way to recognizing the need for others to pour into you, rather than the alternative, always allowing others to get a "to-go" cup of your EMOTIONAL CAPITAL. Sometimes you even allow them to get free re-fills! Think about who you were, before you became an unlimited fountain of strength for others. Reconnecting with something that you value about your former self and introducing that value to your new self, definitely sets up a dynamic where space becomes a commodity and thus, is limited. Taking this step leads to setting healthier boundaries/limits. When we set limits for ourselves and others, we are caring for ourselves as we reduce some of the erroneous beliefs that we "HAVE TO" do it all. The things we tell ourselves may include: If I don't do it, nobody will; They will just ask me to do it anyway, so I might as well get started on it; It won't come out right if I don't tend to it; and my least favorite-It's the way I show love for my loved-ones. While there may be a degree of validity to these statements, there is also the importance of recognizing that we cannot afford ABSOLUTE SELFLESSNES. Releasing some of our insatiable need for power and developing a connection with things you value about yourself and enjoy are powerful steps on the way to limiting your selflessness. Basically, if it costs you your mental health, then it's too expensive! That takes me to my next point-
2.Keep in mind that you have limited resources. I don't mean material resources. Rather, I'm talking about EMOTIONAL CAPITAL. Black women tend to take on more than is reasonable (NOT THAT WE CAN'T HANDLE IT). Actually, handling it is something that we do all too well, but at what expense? When we actually try to handle every crisis, emotional request, and stressful activity that life can throw at us, all at once, it tends to leave us feeling more than drained. Sometimes, it actually results in living on "E"! You know how your car struggles when it needs gas? "Fuel starvation" can lead to engine sputter, intermittent power surges, and perhaps even engine backfires. The same can happen with you-puttering along, having those bursts of energy that make you believe you can do it all, and then crashing-recognizing that all of your efforts while successful for others, may have back-fired on you. Ask yourself, if this sounds like you or any of the women you know? When we oversubscribe ourselves, the result can be an excessive feeling of being overly burdened with few to no resources. With specific regard to our mental health, it can lead to symptoms of depression, anxiety, and feeling chronically overwhelmed. Each of these difficulties can include symptoms such as , seeing yourself as flawed for needing help (affecting mood and self-concept), impaired sleep (either too much or too little), decreased energy, and not being able to turn your brain off. So, what do we do, you might ask? The answer to this question leads me to my next point-
3. I recommend that we pick up our dictionary and look up this little word, "NO". According to Merriam-Webster's Dictionary the use of the word "No", as a noun, is defined as: an act or instance of refusing or denying by the use of the word...While there are many "bad words" in the dictionary, NO is not one of them. When we refuse to see ourselves or deny our personhood, we deny our humanity; without which, none of us can survive. It results in us having very little steam for ourselves and even less for others.
Think back to when we were children. How did we learn to spell and learn what words meant? Well, first we learned our alphabet, then we learned how to combine letters, such as "N and O", and then we used them in a sentence to learn about all the ways we could use them and in what contexts. I recognize that this may seem like an oversimplification of an arduous task that in actuality is quite a lengthy and challenging process. I also recognize that it can also be a lengthy practice to unlearn living on "E", but healthier living can be learned. When we're used to doing things the same way all the time, it's hard for us to think of changing. Taking in "NEW INFORMATION" may seem like a gargantuan task, but is it really as daunting as it seems? If we begin to engage in a mindset reset, perhaps we can come to think about such an endeavor as something to be accomplished over time rather than all at once. An initial, small step may include taking the time to consider your expectations. If you are expecting that you always HAVE TO do a task, do you allow others the opportunity to learn the task. By taking PTO-{Preparing The Others) you might be able to modify your expectations of others and recognize that they have the capacity to do it after all. Here, delegating is a great strength to have. You might also come to recognize that you've been taking responsibility for something that is not yours. Ultimately, you can come to recognize that they just needed a chance to learn and/or step in to managing their own life. My final point follows below-
4.The emphatic nature and finite meaning of the word "NO", can make its use a very empowering experience. It's very clear and ambiguity all but vanishes with the use of the word. Taking this step leads to setting healthier boundaries/limits. When we set limits for ourselves (Recognizing the need to cut off the pump when we are giving too much and/or limiting how much of our resources we allow others to access), we are caring for ourselves and suffering less. It's like releasing the pressure valve just enough to catch your breath, then to take another, and another... In fact, doing so breaks down some of the erroneous beliefs that we HAVE TO do it all. When we "overspend" our emotional resources, our account balance dwindles. Again, if it costs you your mental health, then it's too expensive. Put it back on the shelf. NO, REALLY, PUT IT BACK ON THE SHELF!
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